One thing I will say about the Missus is that when she dresses our daughter up, she does it right. When the she dresses Action, you would think our daughter was about to do a photo shoot. When I dress Action, she looks like Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory, but I digress.
The Missus bought Action this pretty blue dress with polka dots. We both loved the dress. I was concerned however, that the dress might’ve been too big for Action. Plus, it was a size 2T (Action still wore 24mos at the time), so it didn’t have the built in onesie shorts to keep her diaper covered. I was worried that Action would start flashing her diaper at people, because that was her new thing to do. *Pffft* if only I was so lucky.
It’s a lovely weekend afternoon. Action, the Missus, Nana and myself are at Whole Foods. Still not fully recovered from the “Ninja incident,” I decided to sit in the food court with Action and wait for everyone to return. The Boss is starting to get a little restless, so I’m praying that the Missus and Nana get back soon.
Thankfully, my friend, April, is there to keep me company. This is the first time she met Action in person, so she was enjoying the bonding time. April complemented me on what a well-behaved little girl Action was. I snorted, and told her that while Action may be well behaved now, she’s on a timer, and when that timer goes off… You know, in hindsight, I reaaally need to stop saying stuff like that in front of that kid. Sure enough, that timer went off and it was game on.
Tired of just sitting there, Action decides she wants to explore her new surroundings, so she hops out of her chair. Not in the mood for running after this kid, I grab her and put her back in her seat. The Boss isn’t having it, so we begin our battle, with her jumping out of her, seat and me picking her back up. We look like we’re doing some bizzare crossfit workout. My friend, April was watching, amused as Action and I went through our power struggle. She had heard about Action and her antics, but had never seen them play out live. Boy, was she in for a show.
Action, doing one of her patented Twisty-baby acrobat moves, managed to break free of my grasp and land on the ground. April sees my frustration and tells me that she’ll get Action. I start to sit back until I see April’s eyes grow wide. I look down at Action and see her stomping on something white. I’m looking at this white thing, wondering what it could… HOLY FFFFFF…! Action, who has been trying to pull her diaper off all day, finally managed to pull the damned thing off and was doing a victory dance on her vanquished foe. Before we could get over our initial shock, Action starts making a break for it, grabbing for her dress so she air herself out!
I dive out of my chair and grab action, frantically trying to cover her up. This kid is still trying to flash the world and she fighting me mightily to do so. Mind you, my face is burning from embarrassment and I totally frazzled by the show my kid just put on. April, bless her heart, sees how mortified I am and says she’ll watch my stuff so I can put a new diaper on Action. I run to the restroom looking for a changing station but don’t see one. Action is still kicking screaming and trying to wriggle free Out of options I decide to change her in the handicap stall where I see this Raggedy-assed, bootleg changing station with no straps. Fuggit, good enough I think. How wrong I was.
Determined to break free, Action is giving it everything she’s got, literally trying to jump off the changing platform. I keep grabbing her, trying to put her back on the changing table. Action is flailing wildly at this point. She does NOT want this diaper on her. She’s kicking the crap out of the bathroom stall walls, making a God-awful ruckus. I grab her and she tries to push-off of the wall so I’ll lose my balance and drop her, which I almost do. Our stall looks and sounds like the final fight scene from “Instructors of Death.”
At this point, we’re making such a ruckus that I fear someone is going to call the police on us.
Finally, I managed to slap that damn diaper on the kid. Action, tired from our bathroom brawl, finally gives in and lets me hold her in my arms. I am completely worn out. I gather my wits and open the stall door to find a man and his son standing there. Just staring at us in utter silence. I mutter hello and walk past them. I return to April and slump down on the chair, trying to compose myself. My phone rings. It’s the Missus.
Missus: Hey hon, where are you?
Me: At Whole Foods. Come get your child please
Missus (Laughing): What Happened?
Me: Your daughter Happened. Come. Get. Your. Child. Please.
When the Missus and her Mom arrive I fill them in on what happened. They laughed, hard, of course. I guess it’s easy to laugh when you’re not on the receiving end of Action’s antics.
I will say that I’m glad my friend April was there. Some people don’t believe me when I tell them about all the crap this kid puts me through. April got to be a guest star in one of Action’s Adventures.
Maan, I tell you what, every dress that I buy for Action from here on out is going to have those little onesie shorts sewn into them. I don’t care if she’s thirty dammit, I’ll sew those shorts into her wedding gown if she gets married.
That kind of adventure (and embarrassment) is best done only once. Unfortunately, knowing Action, this incident will just be one of her “Greatest Hits.”